Dealing with a Distant Parent Due to Dementia: Life Lessons and Emotional Journey

Life often takes unexpected turns, especially when dealing with family dynamics. One such instance is when a parent, facing health issues, makes decisions that appear to be harmful and disappointing. Throughout this process, one individual navigates the challenges of a distant parent due to dementia, facing significant personal and emotional challenges. This article delves into the journey, from the initial shock to the acceptance of reality.

Unexpected Turn of Events

At 80 years old, my mother, suffering from dementia, no longer manages her finances effectively. This has led to unforeseen complications, including unpaid bills and unnecessary expenses. To put this into context, she is not just mismanaging her funds; she has even paid for services at a place she no longer resides. These actions have necessitated a thorough review of her financial and legal affairs.

Paperwork and Guardianship

The latest challenge is the invalidation of documents from 2011 and 2016. These papers, which I had initially relied upon for guardianship processes, are no longer considered valid. Complicating matters further, her most recent will, updated just over a year ago, completely excludes me – her only child. Now, my cousin is named as the primary POA (Power of Attorney) and co-trustee, while another in-law, who rarely communicates with her, is the beneficiary of her tangible personal property.

Family Dynamics and Personal Growth

These decisions, made by a mother who moved across the country at 71 for a new boyfriend, reflect a pattern of behavior that has affected not only me but also the extended family. My mother's choice to be an uninvolved grandparent, citing her busy social life, has led to a distance that may have been avoidable. Despite always including her in family events and even attending my son's wedding, she still chose to exclude me from her will.

Work and Health Impact

Watching my mother's decline in mental and financial health has had a profound impact on my life. Financial responsibilities exceed what I can handle, and my health takes a toll. Frequent migraines and difficulties in work are a testament to the emotional and psychological strain. Considering how she has managed her affairs, it might seem fair to distance myself, but my cousin, despite her responsibilities, presents a balance that I believe is necessary.

Life After Estrangement

Having always believed that I would be involved in my mother's care and legacy, the realization that she has excluded me in her will is disheartening. However, this also marks a pivotal point of re-evaluation and self-discovery. The realization that I have nothing to give her and no say in her affairs allows me to focus on my own responsibilities and growth rather than a past fraught with disappointment and conflict.

Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting

My mother's history of emotional instability and gaslighting has left deep scars. Since I was 12, she has lacked the emotional stability and consistency expected from a parent. Leaving my father for a married man and behaving irrationally during emotional events have all contributed to a strained relationship. She has even gone so far as to accuse me of abandoning her, leading to prolonged conflicts and misunderstandings.

Processing the Past and Moving Forward

Though I feel broken, I recognize that my journey has led to personal growth and a deeper understanding of the complexities of family relationships. Despite the unfairness she has shown, her decision to cut me out of her will has inadvertently given me the space and clarity needed to focus on my own life. Moving forward will require processing the emotional abuse and gaslighting but also embracing the freedom to set my own path.

Conclusion

Dealing with a distant parent, especially due to dementia, is a complex and emotionally challenging journey. The realization that my mother has excluded me from her will, along with the sustained emotional abuse and gaslighting, has allowed me to reassess the past and move forward. This experience, while painful, has been a crucial lesson in resilience and personal growth. I continue to navigate this journey with the goal of finding peace and a new sense of purpose.